Things Your Wife Won't Say
- The smell of beer on your breath drives me wild.
- I'm bored. Let's shave the pussy.
- I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
- Let's get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it.
- God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
- I only signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.
- Let's subscribe to Hustler.
- Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you.
- Honey, our neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!
- Awesome fart! Do another one!
Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.
One day three blondes were walking down the beach when they saw that something had washed up on the beach. The first blonde shouts, "Look it's a dinosaur!" The second blonde says, "No stupid. It's the Titanic. Duh." The third blonde chuckles. "You're both dumb. It's obviously a genie in a bottle." So she proceeds to pick up the bottle and rub it. Sure enough! A genie pops out! The genie stretched and looks around to find the three blondes. "Normally," the genie said, "I would grant three wishes, but since there are three of you, you each get one wish." The first blonde steps forward. "Okay, I don't like being a dumb blonde so I want to be 50% smarter." The genie bobs his head and says, "Done." He turns her into a brunette. The second blonde says, "I don't like being a dumb blonde either so I want to be 100% smarter!" The genie turns her into a redhead. The last blonde ponders her wish for a moment and finally says, "I LIKE being a dumb blonde. I want to be 100% dumber." The genie turns her into a man.
Blonde - Crash
A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them. They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potato sacks. The cop runs in after them, and the first potato sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, "MEEEEOOOOOOW", and the cop says, "Oh! It's just a stupid cat." He then moves to the potato sack the red-head is under and kicks it. The red-head replies, "ROOF, ROOF", the cop, angry now, says, "STUPID DOG!!" Then the cop gets to the potato sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde screams, "POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOO!"
Ladies Night Out
Three women went out drinking and decided to have a contest to see who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together.
The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."
The second woman said, "I blew chunks."
The third woman said, "I burned down my house."
After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won!" The second woman said, "Wait a minute, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog."