I've always thought, when someone says they are Jewish they sound like they aren't sure about their religion.
"I'm Jew... ish"
Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street. "Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse". "Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week".
The Two Bees
Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey. "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip," said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Fine," said the second bee, "it was everything you said it would be." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's idea of kinky sex?
A: She moves.
God Will Provide
Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?" "I study the Torah," he replies. "But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?" "No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide." "But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Schwartz. "No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide." Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like. "Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."