John and Bob in Car Accident
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!" St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven." This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?" "My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!"
Guy Has 3 Questions in Heaven
This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions. Guy: "Why are girls so pretty?" God: "So you'll like them." Guy: "Why are girls soft?" God: "So you'll like them." Guy: "Why are girls so dumb?" God: "So they'll like you."
Jonah and the Whale.
A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" "Of course I do. It is the Bible.", the lady replies. "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?", he asked. "Oh, Jonah ... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." she replied. "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?", he asked. "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." said the lady. "What if he isn't in heaven?", the man asked sarcastically. "Then YOU can ask him." replied the lady!
Stairway to Heaven
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette went to heaven. "There are 1,000 steps to heaven and I will tell you a joke at every step. If you laugh, you don't get to heaven," God told the girls. The redhead made it to the 45th step, the brunette made it to the 200th step, and the blonde made it to the 999th step. When the blonde arrived at the 999th step, she laughed before God could even tell her the joke. "What's so funny? I haven't even told the joke yet," God said. "I know! I just got the first one!" the blonde replied.
Heaven Playing Sports
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."