We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Live To Be 100

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven. She said to God, "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?" God said, "I didn't recognize you".

Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo." Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?" St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

Appeal

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven. But not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

Arriving in Heaven

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: "Hi, what's your name?"

Paul: "My name is Paul."

St. Peter: "Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?"

Paul: "120K."

St. Peter: "Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?"

Paul: "I was a lawyer."

St. Peter: "That's great. Come on in." 

St. Peter then turned to the second man. "Hi, what's your name?"

Roger: "My name is Roger."

St. Peter: "Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?"

Roger: "60K."

St. Peter: "Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?"

Roger: "I was an accountant."

St. Peter: "That's very good. Come on in." 

St. Peter then turned to the third man. "Hi, what's your name?"

John: "My name is John."

St. Peter: "Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?"

John: "About $23,000."

St. Peter: "Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?"

Duck Heaven

Once upon a time there was three sisters that went to duck heaven. St. Patrick welcomed them and said, "We are happy to have you here in Duck Heaven, but I warn you if you step on a duck in Duck Heaven you will be chained to the ugliest man on Earth!" So, the three girls were really careful where they stepped. After a week the first girl stepped on a duck... so, she was chained to the ugliest man on Earth! After a month the second sister stepped on a duck... so, she was chained to the second ugliest man on the Earth! After a year in Duck Heaven the third sister never ever stepped on a duck so St. Patrick said, "You have been very good here in Duck Heaven so we have a treat for you!" So, she was chained to the most handsome and perfect man on the Earth! "What did I do to deserve you?" she asked the man. "Well I don't know about you lady," replied the man. "But I stepped on a duck!!!"