Remove My Curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The Butcher's Wife
Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A: Meet Patty.
A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.
After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"
Besides, I Love You
Q: Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?
A: "I'll fix it."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning...
'Windows frozen; won't open'
Husband texts back, 'Pour warm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer'
Five minutes later wife texts back, 'Computer really messed up now.'