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The best jokes and joke writers!

Concerned Husband

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Nightly Rental

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.

Before he leaves the next morning, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done. Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price, he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;

2) there was plenty of heat; and

3) it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied. That there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

Lipstick

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick.

I accidentally gave her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

Watch out!

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

Winning

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He leaves the casino in a limo, calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas." His wife says, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Caribbean?" He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."