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The best jokes and joke writers!

Drown my Troubles

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming!

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me?" "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three? When were they?" "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

Prize Convertible

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said, "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertible. Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said, "I only asked for a convertible."

The dad replied, "The convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."

Final Answer

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed. The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight." The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight." The husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you." The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

Storm Damage

So last Saturday I'm at home watching TV when my phone rings. " Hello, who's this?" I answer. "Hi it's Margery, I'm your brother's next door neighbor. He's on vacation and asked me to keep an eye on his house and gave me your number as an emergency contact.  We've just had a terrible rain storm here and a large tree just fell on his roof.  It looks pretty bad and rain water is pouring into his house."

See my brother lives in New Jersey but was vacationing in Europe. So I said, "Well, I live 3 hours away but his daughter has a key and lives nearby. I'll call her and get her over there."

But here's the thing, his daughter works for a 1-900 phone sex company and I didn't have her mobile number so I had to call her at work!

So when I finally get her on the phone she says, "Hello big boy, what can I do for you tonight?" "Sorry Lucy, I'm definitely not looking for any phone sex, it's your uncle Lee. I've got some bad news, a tree fell on your dad's house and the rain is pouring in."

"Oh my god!' She said, "That's terrible, I'll drive over when my shift is finished."

I was relieved to have fixed the problem but I hadn't seen Lucy in a while so I asked her how she had been, that was a huge mistake! I forgot how much Lucy could talk, she talked non stop for two whole hours!

The next day I got an email alert from my cell phone company about that said I spent $95 with a 1-900 service.

Well I was furious, so that night I called Lucy again and explained what had happened. "Oh Lee that's terrible, I'll talk to my boss and get that charge reversed for you."

"Thanks Lucy that's great," I replied.

But trying to be polite I stupidly asked her, "So how did it go at your dads? How bad was it?"

I know, I'm stupid! This time she talked for 3 whole hours. And the next day I got another email alert from the cell phone company.  This time the bill was for $142.50.

So the next day I called her up again and... Ah fuck it, my wife didn't believe me either.