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The best jokes and joke writers!

Best Date Ever

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.  "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.  Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?  I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.  "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"  Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up and his plans for the evening were beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.  About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father, "Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!"

Young Gentleman

The young gentleman took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

Three Beautiful Daughters

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" "No." The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" "No." The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck." The farmer shot Chuck.

10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend's Parents

10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend's Parents The First Time You Meet Them

1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

7. Angie is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place you've got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monica's will be okay too.

10. Can I put my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost...

Girlfriends' Hit

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?" The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"