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Arkansas Governor Application

Arkansas Governor Application First name:___________________
Last name (if known):_______________________
Address (where you live): Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________
Birthdate (yours):____________________
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________
Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )Year of pickup truck:____________
Do you have the following in your truck: Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( ) Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( ) Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )How far can you throw cow pies?__________
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )Wife's name:__________________
Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) Right hand( )Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )How much smarter than you is your wife: 50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( ) 100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )Does your wife wear: A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( ) Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( ) Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )Color of wife's hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )Did you understand the previous questions: Yes( ) No( ) What does "previous" mean?( ) Huh?( ) All of the Above( )Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( )(Check all that apply) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( ) Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( ) Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( ) Inhaled( )
Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________
On what date?___________
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( )
Past ten: Yes( ) No( )
Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:
Signature (or 'X' if you can't write)________________________________

Route 66

A redneck truck driver is driving east on Route 66 when he sees another truck coming west. The CB crackles to life. “Hey, redneck,” says a voice on the radio. “Who are the two biggest faggots in America?” The redneck replies, “I don’t know.” The other trucker says, “You and your brother.” The redneck is annoyed but the other driver says, “It’s just a joke. Tell it to the next truck you see.” The redneck drives for an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on his CB and says, “Hey, other truck, d’you know who the two biggest fags in America are?” The other trucker says, “No. Who?” The redneck replies, “Me and my brother.”

Redneck Computer Terms

|Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don't add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.

Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.

Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: That's what the flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C'mon in.

Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Jeff Foxworthy on Middle Ages Castle Trash

You Know You're Castle Trash If...

Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet.

Your daughter's chastity belt has rusted.

You can't afford a cod piece... nobody notices.

You have more sheep dogs than sheep.

You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have.

The plague improved your complexion... but only for a little while.

The Pope sends you to the Crusades... in Norway.

Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum.

Your wife is stronger than your plow horse...but the horse is prettier.

The grail you brought home has "made in China" printed on the bottom.

Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom.

You won "most improved " at the tournament.

They call your daughter made Marian.

Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says "peace before discomfort".

Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son.