AOC in Hell
After ruining NY by driving away 25,000 great paying jobs, AOC was booted out of Congress. Depressed and suicidal, she jumps off a bridge, dies and went to hell. When she got there, she saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, but there was no one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the AOC asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?" "They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied. "And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?" "The same exact thing," the guard answered. "Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?" "Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"
Bill Clinton, Barack Obama and Al Gore
Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.
Now they're in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the internal combustion engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain, but not inhaling." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Obama. "Barack Obama, what do you believe in?" Obama said, "I believe you're in my chair."
Looking for Work
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work".
The German doctor says: "that's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".
The Russian doctor says: "gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work".
The United States doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, half the country is looking for work!"
Bill O'Reilly calls President Obama and asks him what he’d like most for the holidays. “I couldn't possibly accept gifts in my position,” said Obama. The TV host insists and said he could ask for anything, no matter how big or small. “Well,” said Obama, “If you insist I suppose I could accept a dozen Titleist Pro V1's. My game is off and lately I seem to be loosing my balls." A month later the President is watching TV when the O'Reilly says, “A while back we asked a number of world leaders what they’d like most for the holidays. Francois Hollande said he’d like universal peace. Angela Merkel said she would like prosperity for the world’s poor. And President Obama said he needed balls.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the White House. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Barrack Obama. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Barrack , considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .
Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye,' tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."