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The best jokes and joke writers!

Protesting

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Old Easter

Q:  What's the best thing about growing old?

A:  You get to hide your own Easter eggs.

WARNING: Puns Ahead!

  • Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
  • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
  • Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
  • Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
  • I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
  • I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Banning the bra was a big flop.
  • Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
  • When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Confucius Say Collection

Confucius say...

  • Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
  • Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
  • Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
  • Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
  • Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
  • Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
  • Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
  • Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
  • A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
  • Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
  • Man who run behind car get exhausted.
  • Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
  • Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
  • Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
  • Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
  • Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
  • Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
  • Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
  • Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
  • He who fishes in another man's well often catches crabs.
  • Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
  • Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
  • He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
  • Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
  • Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
  • Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
  • Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
  • He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
  • Elevator smell different to midget.
  • Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.
  • Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
  • America Good Place to Put Chinese Restaurant.
  • Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
  • When lady say no, she mean maybe.  When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady.
  • Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
  • He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.
  • He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!
  • Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.
  • Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
  • He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
  • He who refuses to listen is lying.
  • He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
  • Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
  • Woman who not practice sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.
  • It take square ass to shit a brick.
  • The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.
  • Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
  • He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.
  • Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
  • Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
  • Boy who play with himself pulls boner.
  • Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
  • Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.
  • Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.
  • Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
  • Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

ATM Lady

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.