I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Q: What's the best thing about growing old?
A: You get to hide your own Easter eggs.
WARNING: Puns Ahead!
- Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
- My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
- Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
- Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
- I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
- I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
- If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
- Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
- Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
- Banning the bra was a big flop.
- Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
- Without geometry, life is pointless.
- When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
- Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Confucius Say Collection
- Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
- Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
- Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
- Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
- Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
- Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
- Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
- Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
- A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
- Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
- Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
- Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
- Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
- Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
- Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
- Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
- Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
- He who fishes in another man's well often catches crabs.
- Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
- Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
- He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
- Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
- Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
- Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
- Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
- He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
- Elevator smell different to midget.
- Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.
- Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
- America Good Place to Put Chinese Restaurant.
- Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
- When lady say no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady.
- Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
- He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.
- He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!
- Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.
- Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
- He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
- He who refuses to listen is lying.
- He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
- Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
- Woman who not practice sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.
- It take square ass to shit a brick.
- The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.
- Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
- He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.
- Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
- Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
- Boy who play with himself pulls boner.
- Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
- Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.
- Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.
- Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
- Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.