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The best jokes and joke writers!

Shades of Grey

My wife said she wanted to see 50 shades of grey.

So I took a photo of her hair.

Definition of a Lawyer

Q:  What's the definition of lawyer?

A:  The larval form of a politician.

Ponderings Collection 34

  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  • Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  • When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
  • Do fish get cramps after eating?

Exxon Mobil

Q: Is Exxon Mobile rstructuring their workforce because of $30 oil?

A: Yes, they had to lay off 25 Congressmen!

Excuses

I'D LOVE TO BUT:

  • I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
  • I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
  • I have to floss my pets.
  • I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
  • I want to spend more time with my blender.
  • I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
  • I'm building a pig from a kit.
  • I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
  • I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
  • I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
  • .I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
  • I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.
  • I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
  • I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
  • I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
  • It's my parakeet's bowling night.
  • My patent is pending.
  • The nice man on television told me to say tuned.