Cost of Marriage
The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" "I don't know, son" he said. "I'm still paying for it."
Dress to Kill
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
Q: Why didn't the dog want to play football?
A: It was a boxer!
Questions That Confuse Humankind
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
- Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt"?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- What do you call male ballerinas?
- Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
- Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Sink or Float
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant.