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The best jokes and joke writers!

Grandma's Peanuts

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

Texting at 70

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

You Are No Longer Young

  • You find yourself listening to talk radio.
  • You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
  • The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
  • You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
  • You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
  • You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
  • You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
  • You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
  • When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
  • When jogging is something you do to your memory.
  • Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
  • All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
  • You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
  • You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
  • You actually ASK for your father's advice.
  • You know how to operate a fax machine.
  • When someone mentions TWEETING you picture birds singing.

Getting Older

Three old ladies are discussing the trials of getting older. One says, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."  The second lady chimes in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."  The third one responds, "Well, I'm sure glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood."  She raps her knuckles on the table, then she says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

The Old-Age Test

Look at each numbered item. Take one point for each one your remember. When finished, check your score below:

  1. Blackjack chewing gum
  2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
  3. Candy cigarettes
  4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
  5. Hamburger joints with table-side jukeboxes
  6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
  7. Party lines
  8. Newsreels before the movie
  9. Slingshots
  10. Butch wax
  11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
  12. Peashooters
  13. Howdy Doody
  14. 45 RPM records
  15. S&H Green Stamps
  16. Hi-fi's
  17. Metal ice trays with levers
  18. Mimeograph paper
  19. Blue flashbulbs
  20. Amos and Andy
  21. Roller skate keys
  22. Cork popguns
  23. Drive-ins
  24. Studebakers
  25. Wash tub wringers

 

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young.

If you remembered 6-10 = Kids are calling your sir/ma'am.

If you remembered 11-15 = You're older than dirt!

If you remembered 16-25 = Check your pulse now!