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The best jokes and joke writers!

This Old Man

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he!" And the waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!"

You Are No Longer Young

  • You find yourself listening to talk radio.
  • You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
  • The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
  • You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
  • You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
  • You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
  • You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
  • You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
  • When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
  • When jogging is something you do to your memory.
  • Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
  • All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
  • You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
  • You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
  • You actually ASK for your father's advice.
  • You know how to operate a fax machine.
  • When someone mentions TWEETING you picture birds singing.

Getting Older

Three old ladies are discussing the trials of getting older. One says, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."  The second lady chimes in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."  The third one responds, "Well, I'm sure glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood."  She raps her knuckles on the table, then she says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

His Penis Has Died

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died". "It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"

Tombstone

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."