When to Negotiate
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
S.H.I.T (Special High Intensity Traning)
TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.
Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT)
Company Buzz Words
New Corporate Buzz Words
- Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
- Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
- Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
- Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
- Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
- Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
- Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
- Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
- SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
- Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
- Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
- Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
- Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
- Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
- Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
- Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
- Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here."
- Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
- Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
- Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
- GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
- Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
- Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
- Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
- Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Quotes of Companies
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:
- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
- What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
- How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
- E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
- This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
- Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
- My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
- Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."
- My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me."
- We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
- We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
- One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
- As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
The Office Happenings
- Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
- Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
- A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
- My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
- My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
- My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
- I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself.
- My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
- He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery.
- He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
- Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
- Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
- HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
- Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.