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The best jokes and joke writers!

Condom Modelling Rejection

Condom Modelling Rejection TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY 6969 Slippery Root Drive Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip. We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance, we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.  We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.Yours very truly,

Burley Dick


P.S. Remember our slogans: Cover your stump before you hump. Don't be silly, protect your Willie.  Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker .Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!

Unique job Interviews

     Job Interview Quotations

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

  1. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
  2. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
  3. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
  4. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
  5. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
  6. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
  7. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
  8. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
  9. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
  10. Candidate brought large dog to interview.
  11. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
  12. Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

  1. "What is it that you people do at this company?"
  2. "What is the company motto?"
  3. "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
  4. "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
  5. "Why do you want references?"
  6. "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
  7. "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
  8. "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
  9. "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
  10. "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
  11. "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
  12. "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
  13. "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
  14. "Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.

  1. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
  2. At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
  3. I feel uneasy indoors.
  4. Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
  5. Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
  6. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
  7. I get excited very easily.
  8. I am fascinated by fire.
  9. I like tall women.
  10. People are always watching me.
  11. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
  12. I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
  13. I never get hungry.
  14. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.
  15. If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
  16. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
  17. I think I'm going to throw-up.

MLB Member Quotes

  • "It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then I'd probably have seen a lot more of my husband." - Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose, 1981
  • "It's a weird scene. You win a few baseball games and all of a sudden, you're surrounded by reporters and TV men with cameras asking you about Vietnam and race relations." - Vida Blue, 1971
  • "I watch a lot of baseball on the radio." - Gerald Ford, 1978
  • "It's a beautiful day for a night game." - Announcer Frankie Frisch
  • "The most important things in life are good friends and a strong bull pen." - Pitcher Bob Lemon, 1981
  • "Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win." - Announcer Phil Rizzuto, after a news bulletin reporting the death of Pope Paul VI, 1978.
  • "They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at time was in Brooklyn." - Casey Stengel, 1962
  • "I won't play for a penny less than $1500." - Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000.

Job Interview No-No!

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

  • "You could do worse."
  • "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there."
  • "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start."
  • "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason."
  • "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last."
  • "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault."
  • "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't"
  • "I can go all day without peeing once."
  • "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me."
  • "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath."
  • "I won't sue you when you fire me."
  • "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies."
  • "If you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job?”
  • "I was a sniper in the Army."
  • "The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being fair to me because they don't like me."
  • "I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner."
  • "If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to."
  • "I'll need a company car and a driver because I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there."
  • "If you hire me don't tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off."
  • "The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn't what you think."
  • "You don't have the BALLS to hire someone like me!"
  • "If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try."
  • "When do we eat?" "How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?"
  • "Don't go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was18."
  • "I don't hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!"
  • "If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck."
  • "I don't DO applications."
  • "If I work here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want."
  • "This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!"
  • "I won't have to do anything, will I"
  • "If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?"
  • "Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?"
  • "I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?"
  • "I'm not what? Oh yeah? Well here's what you can do with your friggin' job..."

Redneck Interview

You might be a redneck if... the interviewer asks:

Q: "Did you know that we are a Fortune 500 Company?"
A: "What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't been to that one yet."