Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
The Office Happenings
- Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
- Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
- A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
- My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
- My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
- My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
- I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself.
- My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
- He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery.
- He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
- Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
- Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
- HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
- Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
The SUPER Salesman...
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!" "Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job." He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000." How in the world did you do that?" they asked. "I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!" "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jones and this one is Mrs. Johnson's." "That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
A man goes into a job interview and presents himself very well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is and says, "Wow, you have an incredible resume and present yourself fantastically, but there is a five year gap on your employment history. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says, "Yay I got a yob!
Blonde Job Applicant
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?" "In three months."