My Daughter or a Million Dollars
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decided to throw a huge party. During the party he announced, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy said, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter. I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
Getting Money's Worth
Once there was a guy that went in a whorehouse and says, "What can I get for five bucks?" The madam says, "Second door on the right and fuck whatever is there." He goes, sees a pig, figured "Whaddya want for five bucks?" and fucks it.
The next week he comes back and asks what he can get for $20. The madam says, "Second floor, second door on the right, watch what happens." He goes in, sits down and looks down, he sees a glass floor with a view of a guy fucking a chicken on the first floor. He says to the man next to him, "Look at him with the chicken. That's crazy." The guy responds, "You shoulda been here last week -- some guy was fucking a pig!"
Q: What's another definition for the Powerball Lottery?
A: A tax on people who are bad at math.
The Hypnotic Sermon!
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate. "So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church.
I'm tired of people saying all black people look alike. We don't all look alike. Ain't it funny how they always say we all look alike until we go cash a check? Then we don't look like nobody.