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The best jokes and joke writers!

A Woman Selling Apples In New York

A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away. "I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple," the man says. The woman replies: "No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up."

Welfare Applications

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

  • I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
  • I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
  • Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
  • I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
  • I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
  • This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
  • Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
  • I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
  • In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
  • I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
  • My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
  • You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
  • I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
  • I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
  • In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Unreasonable Bill

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item: "Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."

Fulfilling Friend's Request

A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin. A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America. The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity. The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000."

Lost Wallet at Auction

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000." There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"