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The best jokes and joke writers!

First Jump

After a fresh batch of paratroopers complete their first jump, some veterans take them out for a few rounds.

They're swapping stories and an old timer says: "Man, I remember the first time I jumped. Made the mistake of being the last one in line. Finally it's my turn, and I look down and freeze. The drill instructor leans in right behind me says, 'son, either you jump right now or I'm going to fuck you in the ass."

The veteran looks off wistfully and takes a pull off his beer.

A first-timer says, "Well, did you jump?"

"A little at first."

How Army Policy Began

This is how Army policy all began...

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "Because that's the way it's always been around here." That's how Army policy begins... 

Rank

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside ."Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Let's See The World

Two dog-faces were digging a foxhole. "What made you join the Army?" asked one. "Well, I read one of the posters that said: Join the Army and see the world! And I been doin' it - a shovelful at a time."

An Inferiority Complex

Private Milton went to psychiatrist and complained: "I have an inferiority complex." "Nothing I can do for you", said the doc. "In the Army privates don't have an inferiority complex... they're just inferior!