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The best jokes and joke writers!

Choose a Punishment

Private Lloyds was brought up before the unit CO for an offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

A Young Soldiers First Jump

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The corporal explained the procedure  "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up." The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either!"

Water the Grass

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the frustrated Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Typical Fighter Pilot

Last Thursday night he gradually woke up - stiff as a plank in a hospital's ICU.

Tubes up his nose and down his throat; wires monitoring every function and all around his head, hell of a pain over his left ear . . .and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over him.

It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident. She looked deep and steady into his eyes, and he heard her slowly say,

"You may not feel anything from the waist down . . . "He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"

Military for Babies

Q: Which branch of the military do babies join?

A: The infantry!