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The best jokes and joke writers!

Lone Idiot

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

Top 10 Advice from Kids

  1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  2. When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer.
  3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
  4. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
  5. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
  6. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  7. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
  8. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
  9. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
  10. Never try to baptize a cat.

Valentine's Day

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."

Group Photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

Teacher Error

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Kaitlyn, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she announced. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, "I'm not free. I'm four."