Newspaper Ad Looking for a Man
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper that reads:
Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.
Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?!?”
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.
Kewl Job Application!
NAME: Iam Applyin
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
- SALARY: Less than I'm worth
- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
- REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?: The nearest hospital comes to mind.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Sagitarian with Cancer rising.
- (Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
- (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
- (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
- (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."
Women Seeking Men: The Truth
"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
40-ish means: 48.
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will.
Affectionate means: Possessive.
Artist means: Unreliable.
Average looking means: You figure this one out.
Beautiful means: Pathological liar.
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise.
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin.
Educated means: College drop-out.
Emotionally Secure means: Medicated.
Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home.
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob.
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola.
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian.
Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street.
Free spirit means: Substance abuser.
Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut.
Fun means: Annoying.
Gentle means: Comatose.
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her.
Humorous means: Caustic.
Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count.
In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills.
Light drinker means: Lush.
Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light.
Loves Travel means: If you're paying.
Loves Animals means: Cat lady.
Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement.
Open-minded means: Desperate.
Outgoing means: Loud.
Passionate means: Loud.
Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic.
Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle.
Reliable means: Frumpy.
Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out.
Romantic means: Looks better by candle light.
Self-employed means: Jobless.
Smart means: Insipid.
Special means: Rode the small school bus w/ tinted windows.
Spiritual means: Involved with a cult.
Stable means: Boring.
Tall, thin means: Anorexic.
Tan means: Wrinkled.
Wants Soul mate means: One step away from stalking.
Widow means: Nagged first husband to death.
Writer means: Pompous.
Young at heart means: How about the rest.