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The best jokes and joke writers!

How did I get here?

A little girl asked her mother how she got here. Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied, “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”

Trouble Swallowing

Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.

Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.

Keep It In The Family

Q: How can you tell if a redneck's daughter is on the rag?

A: Her brother's dick is red.

Slippers

Paddy broke his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin'?" Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

You Might Be A Redneck 39

You might be a redneck if...

  • One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
  • The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  • You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  • You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  • You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
  • You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
  • You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'