Good News, Bad News, Worse News
Good News: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections
Lawyer Naming His Daughter
Q: What did a lawyer name his daughter?
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
Application To Date My Daughter
This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________
If NO, explain______________________________________
Number of years married________
If less than your age, Explain________________________________
Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____
A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______
A condom?______ Pornography?_______
Do you have earring, nose ring,or a belly button ring?________
A tattoo?___________(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Church you attend______________________________________
How often you attend_______
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, & priest? _________
Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be _________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the _________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is __________________________________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is ___________________________________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.
Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up ____________________________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________
Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one)
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_______________________________________Signature (that means sign your name moron)Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
The Second Coming
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "OK, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she's sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant -- about four months would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?!? She can't be. She has never even been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"