English, Irish, and Scottish Wives
The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?" The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says, "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked." The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank." The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."
Need a Hotel Room
There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottish man. The Englishman went into a hotel and asked for a room. The hotel lady said, "Yes, first door on your left." So, the Englishman went into the room, and heard a voice saying, "First I'm gonna bite your head off, then I'm gonna bite your arms off." The Englishman got scared and ran out the room screaming. Then an Irishman asked for a room. The lady said, "Yes, first door on your left." The Irishman went in and heard a voice saying, "First I'm gonna bite your head off, then I'm gonna bite your arms off." The Irishman ran out the room screaming. Then the Scottish man came into the hotel and asked for a room. The lady said, "Yes, first door on your left." The Scottish man heard a voice saying, "First I'm gonna bite your head off, then I'm gonna bite your arms off, then I'm gonna bite your legs off." So, the Scottish man turned on the light and saw... a kid eating gummy bears in the corner.
English, Scottish, and Irish Desert
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel. "Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver." "I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart." "I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
Scottish Gleam in Eye
One night a Scottish couple took a walk through a beautiful lit up town. The woman says to the man, ''You want to hold my hand, don't you?'' The man says,''Yes, how did you know?'' She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.'' So they held hands. A little down the road the woman says to the man, ''You want to kiss me don't you?'' The man says,''Yes, how did you know?'' She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.'' So they kissed and kept walking. A little later the woman asks the man, ''You want to screw me don't you?'' The man says, ''How did you know? By the gleam in my eye?'' The woman says, ''No, by the tilt in your kilt.''
Scottish Pocket Watch
These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time. "That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other. "Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the watch. "Really?" "Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."