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The best jokes and joke writers!

Made in Canada

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?" "Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton. "Oui?" "Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton. "No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms. "I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."" Easily done. Anything else?" "Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Touring guide for Northerners Visiting the South

Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States.  If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

  1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
  2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
  3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
  4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
  5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
  6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
  7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
  8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
  9. Be advised that, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
  10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
  11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
  12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

A Cultural Comparison

  • Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
  • Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
  • Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
  • Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
  • Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
  • Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
  • Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
  • Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
  • Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer
  • Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness
  • Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
  • Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
  • Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
  • Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
  • Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
  • Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
  • Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
  • Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
  • Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball
  • Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
  • Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
  • Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.
  • Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
  • Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
  • Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
  • Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
  • Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
  • Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
  • Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
  • Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
  • Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
  • Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
  • Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
  • Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Facts About Americans

Facts about Americans. Did you know that

  • Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
  • 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
  • Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
  • 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
  • 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
  • 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
  • 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
  • 91% of us lie regularly.
  • 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
  • 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
  • 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
  • 90% believe in divine retribution.
  • 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
  • 82% believe in an afterlife.
  • 45% believe in ghosts.
  • 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
  • 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
  • 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
  • Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
  • 35% give to charity at least once a month.
  • How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
  • 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
  • When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
  • 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
  • 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
  • Snickers is the most popular candy.
  • 22% of us skip lunch daily.
  • 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
  • 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
  • 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
  • 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
  • Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
  • 45% use mouthwash every day.
  • 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
  • The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
  • Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
  • 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
  • 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
  • 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
  • 33% of women lie about their weight.
  • 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
  • 57% have had deja vu.
  • 49% believe in ESP.
  • 44% have broken a bone.
  • Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
  • 14% have attended a self-help meeting. 15% regularly go to a shrink.
  • 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
  • 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
  • 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
  • 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
  • 29% of us ignore RSVP.
  • 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
  • 22% are functionally illiterate.
  • Less than 10% are trilingual. 
  • 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
  • 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
  • 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
  • 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
  • 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
  • 40% of us have had music lessons.44% reuse tinfoil.
  • 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
  • 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
  • 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
  • 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
  • 59% of us say we're average-looking.
  • Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
  • 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
  • 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
  • 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
  • On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
  • 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
  • 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
  • The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
  • Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
  • 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
  • 6% propose over the phone.
  • 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
  • 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
  • 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
  • 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
  • 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
  • 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
  • 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
  • 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

Holland Visitor

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."