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The best jokes and joke writers!

Frenchman on Trial

A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman. "How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty." "Not guilty," replied the man. "On what grounds?" queried the judge. "I didn't think she was dead... I thought she was an American."

Only In America

  • A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  • There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
  • Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front.
  • Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters.
  • Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages.
  • People use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they might miss.
  • Drive-Up ATM machines feature Braille lettering.

Tops Reasons It's Great to be Canadian

It beats being an American.

Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

Own-an-eskimo scheme.

Heaven or Hell?

There are three guys who are good friends. One is an American, one is Polish, and one is Italian. They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident. They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven. When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell. As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question. If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven. The Italian guy goes first. He tells the angel to ask him a question. The angel says, "How many grains of sand are there in the world?" The Italian guy says, "Um, four trillion?" and falls straight to Hell. The polish guy goes next and wants the angel to ask a question. The angel says, "How many drops of water are there in all of the world's oceans?" He says, "Uh, ninety-eight billion?" and also falls straight to Hell. Finally, it's the American's turn. He tells the angel he will ask the question, but he needs a pencil and paper. The angel snaps his fingers and it magically appears. The American proceeds to take the paper, makes hundreds of holes in it with the pencil and farts through it. He then asks the angel, "Which hole did my fart go through?" The angel replies, "That's easy," and points to a hole. The American says..."No, it came out of this one!" and points to his butt, and then goes to Heaven.

Americans Hate France

Americans hate France. You don't know French people. It's mostly based on a story you heard about a friend's friends who went to Paris, who had a waiter, who had B.O., who was very rude to them because they sent back their steak tartar because it was too rare.