We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Misinterpreted

As a diabetes educator, a number of my clients truly do not understand that when I tell them two alcoholic drinks per day, it does not mean they can save them all and have 14 on Saturday night.

Where's My Cookie

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie, and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined at the next visit, the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie, and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie, and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!

Close Gently

Q: Why shouldn't you bang the medicine cabinet door?

A: Because there are sleeping pills inside!

He Needs Blue Ice

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party." The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it." The weekend goes by and on Monday morning the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a  muscle pain reliever). The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive." The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm." Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?" Guy replies, "Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion." Pharmacist says, "And..." Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"

Blond medical terminology

  • Artery -- Study of paintings
  • Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
  • Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
  • Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
  • Caesarean section -- District in Rome
  • Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
  • Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
  • Colic -- Sheep dog
  • Coma -- A punctuation mark
  • Congenital -- Friendly
  • D&C -- Where Washington is
  • Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
  • Dilate -- To live long
  • Enema -- Not a friend
  • Fester -- Quicker
  • Fibula -- A small lie
  • G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
  • Grippe -- Suitcase
  • Hangnail -- Coathook
  • Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
  • Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
  • Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
  • Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
  • Morbid -- Higher offer
  • Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
  • Node -- Was aware of
  • Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
  • Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
  • Post operative -- Letter carrier
  • Protein -- Favoring young people
  • Rectum -- It almost killed him
  • Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
  • Rheumatic -- Amorous
  • Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
  • Secretion -- Hiding anything
  • Seizure -- Roman emperor
  • Serology -- Study of knighthood
  • Tablet -- Small table
  • Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
  • Tibia -- Country in North Africa
  • Tumor -- An extra pair
  • Urine -- Opposite of you're out
  • Varicose -- Located nearby
  • Vein -- Conceited