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The best jokes and joke writers!

Bad News

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Serious Disease

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

Translation

A woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam. After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says: “Your husband is suffering from severe long-term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or stroke. If you don’t do the following three things, he will surely die. First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Second, when he gets home make him a warm, nutritious dinner, and don’t burden him with household chores. Third, have sex with him several times a week.” On the way home, the husband asks the wife, “I saw the doctor talking to you and he looked serious. What did he say?” Wife: “He says you’re gonna die.”

I'm Over the Hill Poem

We're over the hill, but don't feel sad
This side of the hill ain't all that bad
So give us "five" and then a smile
To us who have been here for awhile

With by-pass pain and mended hip
And plumbing fixtures prone to drip
We all may seem a sorry lot
But we rejoice for what we've got

We have each day and what it brings
And, on our pensions, live like kings
For the press that accuses what we take
To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake!"

We've paid our share for unused knowledge
As the kids are now all done with college
We complain to them about our health
As they worry about our dwindling wealth

And though our wardrobes may be plain
We'll suffer no more labor or pain
Now it's with cane we do our strut
And if we can't drive - we still can putt

We're mean and tough; meet all demands
Why, M&M's melt in our hands
Yes, we're still here, and it does delight us
That you join our fight against arthritis

But we ask you make a pledge today
That you'll be careful what you say
We have to spread "Over the Hill" fear
Or we'll have those young folks over here!

Distraught

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um... little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.

The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out... Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went. The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well, I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."