"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit. On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"
Men & Public Toilets
Ok guys, own up...which one are you?
- Excitable Type - Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
- Sociable Type - Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
- Timid Type - Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.
- Nosy Type - Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.
- Indifferent Type - All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
- Clever Type - Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.
- Vain Type - Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.
- Absent-Minded Type - Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.
- Worried Type - Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.
- Disgruntled Type - Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.
- Conceited Type - Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.
- Sneaky Type - Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.
- Sloppy Type - Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.
- Learned Type - Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.
- Childish Type - Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.
- Efficient Type - Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.
- Strong Type - Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.
- Drunken Type - Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.
- Embarrassed Type - Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.
- Cock-Eyed Type - Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.
The Bus Bench
There were three guys waiting for a bus on a bench when the first guy farts, 'WHOOOSSHHHHH....'No one brought attention to it. Then suddenly the second guy farts, 'WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH........Again, no one thought anything of it until the third guy let one,'PPPPPPPPUUUUUUHHHHHHHH...'The first two guys then looked at the third guy and simultaneously said, "STRAIGHT."
A lady walks into a Texas Ferrari dealership. Her eyes light up when she sees the new F12 Berlinetta and she walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a red shirted Ferrari employee standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the sales specialist greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you?" Hoping he wasn't there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, how much are you asking for this incredible vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangeled Banner! Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he finishes the disgusted bartender says, "Why in the hell did you shit on my bar?" The drunk replies "Even Elvis had to clear his throat!"