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The best jokes and joke writers!

Phone Call

"Hi Mom, it's me." "Hi Sally, are you okay? I thought you were with your father at the hardware store, looking for a drill." "Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you." "Oh my God, what happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face." "What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"

"Well, it really wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black and Decker. Mom, I knocked the shit out of her!"

Parachutes

There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, but only four parachutes.

A blonde guy said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.

The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.

Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little boy said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack!"

A Bull for the New Farm

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00. Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it. Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer. The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?" The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says, "Comfortable,"  write that. ""Comfortable?" the guy questions ."Yes, you see she reads slow."

Dumb Blond

One day three blondes were walking down the beach when they saw that something had washed up on the beach. The first blonde shouts, "Look it's a dinosaur!" The second blonde says, "No stupid. It's the Titanic. Duh." The third blonde chuckles. "You're both dumb. It's obviously a genie in a bottle." So she proceeds to pick up the bottle and rub it. Sure enough! A genie pops out! The genie stretched and looks around to find the three blondes. "Normally," the genie said, "I would grant three wishes, but since there are three of you, you each get one wish." The first blonde steps forward. "Okay, I don't like being a dumb blonde so I want to be 50% smarter." The genie bobs his head and says, "Done." He turns her into a brunette. The second blonde says, "I don't like being a dumb blonde either so I want to be 100% smarter!" The genie turns her into a redhead. The last blonde ponders her wish for a moment and finally says, "I LIKE being a dumb blonde. I want to be 100% dumber." The genie turns her into a man.

Appliance Store

A blonde woman walks into a store and asks the clerk about the TV in the corner. The clerk says, "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes." Irritated, the woman goes home and dyes her hair black. The next day she comes back and asks again. The clerk again says, "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes." Furious, the woman goes home and dyes her hair red this time. The next day she goes to the store and there's a different clerk there. She asks the clerk about the TV. The clerk replies, "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes." The woman asks him, "How did you know I am a blonde?"  The clerk says, "Because that's not a TV, it's a microwave."