I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Steven Wright Jokes Continued
- Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
- Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.
- I like to leave messages before the beep.
- I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish freak out I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
- I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
- I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Q: What do you call a girl who catches fish?
Catfish vs. Lawyer
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: Ones a gross dirty slimy scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and ones a fish...
Last time I had a kiss like that, I was trying to bring my goldfish back to life.