Animal Jokes - Cat Jokes
No Nine Lives
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." She dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great! Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. "You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends. Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
A Cat With 8 Legs
Q: What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?
A: An octopuss!
Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A He wanted to be a cool cat.
- There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods... Cats have never forgotten this.
- Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs... You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
- Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
- People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.
- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God!
- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
- I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
- My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.
- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!
Q: What do cat actors say on stage?
A: Tabby or not tabby!