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The best jokes and joke writers!

Six Legs and Flies

Q: What has six legs and flies?

A: A witch giving her cat a ride!

Ostrich & Pussy Cat

A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.

He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whiskey for the cat."

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks. After they finished their drinks, it was the ostrich's turn to buy a round.

The ostrich walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whiskey for the cat."

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them. When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told them "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whiskey for the cat."

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round, but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish."

"What did you wish for?" asked the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

Wishes Granted

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat Foo Foo. A fairy appears and says, "I'm here to grant you three wishes." The old woman says, "I wish I was twenty years old and beautiful again." Poof! She is. "Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion." Poof! Done. "And now I wish that Foo Foo was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me." Poof! Suddenly she's in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

New York Bronze Sculptures

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and decided to go in. On looking around he noticed a very strange looking bronze cat which had a tag on it saying, "Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00." The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain. "Well" said the man, "its just like it says, $30 for the cat and $150 for its story". "I'll just take the cat," said the man.
"Very well, but you will be back," said the salesman. The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket. As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing sound. On turning around he noticed there were a couple of cats following him.
The further he walked the more cats seemed to follow him. As he got to the Brooklyn Bridge he turned to see thousands of cats behind him. "Screw this!" he said to himself and threw the bronze cat into the river. All the cats jumped into the river too and were drowned. The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat. "I knew you would be back. $150.00 for the story," said the salesman. "Forget the story," said the man. "Have you got a bronze Mets fan?"

Paddy the Drunkard

Paddy was an incurable drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"