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The best jokes and joke writers!

Collector

We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off. Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.

A Brazilian Parrot

A middle-aged man receives a Brazilian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the parrot says is, "Hey bitch how much for a handjob." She takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the door. The next night, our friend is visited by his mother. The parrot opens up with,"I'll suck that crusty coin-slot crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those droopy dum dums for me. Our friend receives a smack that leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat from his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stand no more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into the freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge. The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learned your lesson?" he sternly said. All the parrot can say is, "I sure have. I just have one question. What the fuck happened to the chicken?"

Magician and Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Lost Echo

A vampire bat flies back into his cave on Halloween night...he has blood all over his face. He perches himself on the roof to try and get some rest. But before too long the other bats smell the blood, and start to gather around him. They ask feverishly where he got the blood from. Knowing that they will not let up till he tells them "Okay, follow me!". He flies out of the cave, across a valley, over a river into a dark forest. Deep in the forest he stops, all the other bats gather round in an excited frenzy. "Okay", says the bat, "see that big oak tree over there?". "Yeah, yeah" reply the other bats, drooling in anticipation. : "Well I sure has hell didn't!" said the bat.

Legs Above

Q: What's got six legs and can fly long distances?

A: Three swallows!