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The best jokes and joke writers!

AB Answering Machine

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Beer Belly

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

Budweiser Or Else

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns. "Give me a Budweiser, or...!" "O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender. "A small Coke."

Official Drinking Test

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer. 1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin. 2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever. 3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling. 4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import. 5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being. Question answer values For every question answered with an A, add ten points. For every question answered with a B, add five points. For every question answered with a C, do not change the score. For every question answered with a D, subtract five points. For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points. Results For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning. For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up. For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury. For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up. For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

Famous Beer Quotes!

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years:

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." - Frank Sinatra

"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober." - William Butler Yeats

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." - Ernest Hemingway

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin

"Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. - Anonymous

"No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink." - G.K. Chesterton

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." - Catherine Zandonella

"Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. " - Anonymous

"Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls." -  Ross Levy

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." - - W.C. Fields

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" - W.C. Fields

"Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder." - Anonymous

"If God had not intended us to drink beer, He would not have given us stomachs." David Daye

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." - Oscar Wilde

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman

"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life." - Michelle Mastrolacasa

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy." - Tom Waits

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" - Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven." - Brian O'Rourke

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." - Frank Zappa

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." - Winston Churchill

"He was a wise man who invented beer." - Plato

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." - Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." - Humphrey Bogart

"Why is Australian beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine." - David Moulton

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." - Kaiser Wilhelm

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." - Homer Simpson

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." - George Jean Nathan

"I drink to make other people interesting." - George Jean Nathan

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." - Homer Simpson