Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Before It Starts
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!" The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!" She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!" The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..." The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
Q: What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?
A: A beer-a-cuda!
Three Women Give Nicknames
Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about. The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: "Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell 'LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion. "Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, "I think I'll name my husband 'Seven-UP'". "Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband 'Seven-UP'?" queries one of the old gals. "Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up!" replies the first lady. The second lady then muses a bit and says, "I think I'm going to name my LeRoy 'Mountain Dew'." "Why, sister, why are you going to name him 'Mountain Dew'?" "Well, cuz mountin' is one thing he do real well," the second lady says. Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask, "And, what will you name your husband, sister?" "I've been thinking that I just might name him 'Jack Daniels'," she said. "Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!""That's my LeRoy!", the third woman responds.
Planning for Baptism
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."