A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H. "G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?" "It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor. "My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly. "Will that cure me?" "Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
All in the Family
A worried father telephones his doctor who is a close family friend and tells him that his teenage son has come down with a venereal disease. “He thinks he caught it from the maid,” says the father. “Don’t worry too much,” says the doctor. “These things happen.” “I know,” says the father. “But I’ve been sleeping with the maid too. And now I seem to have the same symptoms.” “That’s unfortunate,” says the doctor. “But try not to get distressed.” “That’s not all,” says the man. “I think I’ve passed it to my wife.” “Christ Almighty!” shouts the doctor. “That means we all have it!”
Woman Visits the Therapist
A lady visits her therapist. "I think my husband is a son of a bitch." The therapist asks why she thinks that. She replies, "Well, he kisses me." The therapist kisses her and says, "I kissed you, and I'm not a son of a bitch." She replies, "Yes, but he feels me up." The therapist proceeds to feel her up. He returns to his seat and says, "I felt you up, and I'm not a son of a bitch." The lady replies, "But he -- you know -- has sex with me." So the therapist goes over and has sex with her. After they're finished, the therapist says, "See, I just had sex with you, and I'm not a son of a bitch." The lady says, "Yes, but my husband has AIDS." The therapist says, "SON OF A BITCH."
Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington. "For God's sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked you and raped you!" "I wasn't ever in any danger at all", she said, trying to calm him down. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because that's where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases."