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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Psychiatrist and the Saran Wrapped Man

Q: What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office?

A: I can clearly see "you're" nuts!

First Time

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night.

I wanted my first time to be special.

Mindless

A man took his wife to the doctor. After a short examination the doctor said "Your wife's mind has completely gone!" To which the man replied "I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

Things to do visiting your Therapist

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

  1.  Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
  2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
  3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
  4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.  
  5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"  
  6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
  7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.  
  8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!".  
  9. Sit underneath your chair.
  10. Stand on your head.
  11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist, eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall; Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
  12. Never stop smiling.
  13. Scream every word.
  14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
  15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
  16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
  17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
  18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
  19. Eat his books.
  20. Talk to his leg.
  21. Don't face him when he talks to you. 
  22. Talk really slowly.
  23. Try to eat your hand.
  24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
  25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
  26. Pretend you hear music.
  27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
  28. Pretend to drink.
  29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

Mental Health Patient

It was dusk time when a man had a flat tire right in front of a mental health hospital. After unscrewing the four nuts of the flat tire, he noticed that a hospital patient is watching him from over a nearby embankment. He managed to step on the hubcap in which he had carefully placed the nuts. To his dismay, the nuts went flying into the grass on the side of the road. So he got on his hands and knees and started searching in vain for the nuts in the semi-darkness. A few minutes later he heard the mental patient chuckle, so he shouted at him irritably, "What are you laughing at?" The other guy explained: "Well, you have three other tires, each of which has four nuts... If you were to take one nut from each, you'll end up with four tires being held in place with three nuts per tire. This should be safe enough for you to drive to the next town over, where you can buy a new set of nuts." Embarrassed, the poor car driver couldn't help asking, "How come you're so clever and you're in a mental hospital?" The patient replied, "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid!"