Left And Right
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wonder about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?" "It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"
When I Get Out
A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
Hero in a Mental Hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office and said, "Kevin, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. But, I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hung himself." "He didn't hang himself," Kevin replied, "I hung him up to dry."
The Psychiatrist and the Saran Wrapped Man
Q: What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office?
A: I can clearly see "you're" nuts!
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and.. and... and you know, he's a married man!"