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The best jokes and joke writers!

Wife's Heart Attack

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet, and he's got no clothes on!" He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor. "You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

Vice President Heart Problems

  1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.
  2. His cholesterol level is directly proportional to the National Debt.
  3. He owns a signed copy of Ted Kennedy's "Joy of Grease." 
  4. He can only donate blood to people with Type Nacho Cheese.
  5. After years of eating intravenously, he can make his arm burp.
  6. According to his EKG, his heartbeat has the same rate as a strobe light.
  7. Number one supporter is the Grim Reaper.
  8. During the Persian Gulf War he arrived in Kuwait with a spoon and bib, eagerly awaiting "Operation Dessert Storm."
  9. After every press conference there's a man standing over his body saying, "Clear!"
  10. Let's face it: He's a politician.

Delivering Bad News

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Heart Transplant

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies, "Not BAAAAD!"

A Girl Goes in for Heart Surgery

A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today." The boy says, "I know." The girl says, "I love you!" The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!" After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed. The girl says, "Where is he?" The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?" The girl says, "What!?" and started crying. The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."