I Wanna Be A Commie
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live." The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist." The doctor asks, "You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?" The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us!"
Funny Thoughts from the Horoscope Writer
I used to write horoscopes for a living, but I got fired because every day for Cancer I'd just write, "Keep fighting!"
Bad and Worse News
A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: "Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news."
Man: "Well, give me the really bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, and only 6 months to live."
Man: "And the bad news?"
Doctor: "You have Alzheimer's disease."
Man: "That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!"
Pirate at Doctor
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them and says, "It's okay, they're benign." The pirate replied, "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
Good And Bad News
An old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination the doctor tells him; "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" To which the patient replied "Well, give me the bad news first."
"You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
The patient was shocked; "Oh no! That's awful! In two years my life will be over?! What kind of good news could you possibly tell me, after this?"
The doctor broke the news, "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."