Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the STD Clinic."
Six Weeks to Live
A guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor says, "Well, I'm afraid you have six weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh damn, well what should I do doctor?" The doctor tells him, "You should take a mud bath once a day for the next six weeks," and the guy asks, "Why? Is that supposed to help?" and the doctor says, "No, but it'll get you used to being in the ground."
Top 10 Colonoscopy Jokes
- 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
- 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
- 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
- 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
- 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
- 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
- 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
- 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
- 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
- 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
What's Your Sign
A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing. They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"
The Bad Drugstore Salesman
John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup so I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"