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The best jokes and joke writers!

Beautiful

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is 'beautiful.' Little Sally, would you please come up here and use 'beautiful' in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."

The teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."

The teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnny walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'"

Top 10 Colonoscopy Jokes

  1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
  2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
  3. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
  4. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
  5. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
  6. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
  7. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
  8. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
  9. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
  10. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Toilet Paper

Q: Why did the girl take toilet paper to the party?

A: Because she was a party pooper.

A Man is Diagnosed with HAGS

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."  "What is HAGS," the man asks. "It's Herpes, AIDS, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis" says the doctor.  "Oh my God!" says the man, "what are you going to do!?!"  "We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."  "Is that going to help me?" asks the man. "No," says the doctor, "but it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door!"

Getting the System Going Again

An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills." His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."